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BK 2 ..oh oh 7 – chapter 5 a..end of the year poems/reflections

chapter 5 a..end of the year poems/reflections

Chapter 5  poems ,reflections and other deep stuff…


i wanted to give you a Rose before, but you didnt want me to be "romantic" but thats also who I am sometimes a wise old man..sometimes a hopeful young "romantic" – i have a headache, a hangover, last night I got p*ssed on my own on the "terrace", i was feeling sorry for myself, and simply decided to TRY to kill some memories….it didnt work…

title : killing the past, not very fast (the "who the f**k gives a sh*t RAP")

" i am killing the past..
but not very fast
i am not meant for this earth
no-one knows what I am worth

i kill off a million and 1 brain cell
to escape my personal hell
no-one notices, you dont see
because I am alone , i am just being ME!

as i try to kill my memory
at the beginning it tastes just fine
but soon turns bitter (because it reminds me if her)
& i drink bottles of Rose wine

I dont want to be like this
to be sarcastic, to take the p*ss
but that all I have right now
sh*t, i just hate that scared (sacred?)cow

no i dont, its just the booze
telling me what i did lose?
its like a nightmare, i cant wake up
so lets drink another cup!
and maybe the alchohol will win
so fill my mind full of sin

I remember fran, margit & young biggi
10, even 20 years or maybe even younger
born in the same sign, like JZ
I want to be a lover, but am i just a war-monger?

just to be used
or be called pathetic?
I would rather die
than become ap-a-thet-ic

so its good-bye
not au-revoir
it seems like i came from afar
but always end up in the f**king bar

to be a bridge
to solve someone else’s problem
so, must release my poison
i never really had them
dont worry, I wont last…much longer, you see?
but who gives a sh*t? , dont f**k with me!

….i am killing the past
but not very fast…."

ha ha ha !


I have a present for you, do you want me to give it to sandra, as it could be a problem if I put it through your letter box?..JZ…..Rose with thorns

In only 3 months, so much has passed,
deep & wide, time went so fast..
Feeling so much, at least I DID,
I challenged y-OUR life, I never HID,
Dreaming of a way,
together to stay,
could you lean on me?
but continue to be …JZ!?

I hope you know, just how much I care
and I was ready, so much to share!
All thorns that do protect you,
you must realise, have hurt me too!
of all the problems of a beautiful Rose,
and the good things shows
that you are a test, of all thats BEST
in me to be, better than the Rest…
xxxxxxxx

Jess..

it began with a Veggie Dream
but it would now seem
we are "friends" of sorts
so, no danger this courts?

chatting over a morning coffee
a de tox applejuice or two
i feel comfortable to "open up"
share stories & confide in you

its so refreshing
(and I dont mean just the drink!)
to relax and talk about anything
so what do you think?

I enjoy an exchange
a bit of banter and "insult"
with an attractive smile
whilst we talk for a while

I am surely an alien on this planet,
not long here will I stay
and pity the best girls are married
but I enjoy our "limited play"

thank you!😉



İstanbul 0 07

ChriS>
you see a dýfference between me & my dream?
oh no its lýke strawberries & cream
they go together
its not changeable like the weather!

you promised to meet me –
and then send excuses
tell me about 20 years ago
for what are those uses?

should compare you with those other germans
so dont compare me with the past.
you say i push
i tell you just to be honest

i have written so much
and if that doesnt say
what you need
then it has to be good-day!

in cullumpton you know
in Hamburg too
you are just scared of what comes next
shall i come there again to follow this through?
if you tell me that he means more then i dont believe ýt
because if so then all between us was just sh*t..
dont feel sorry for me
i would rather die
and if you cant fýnd týme for us..
for a while i will cry ..
…but i will survive ..alone!
because you wonr be able to atone –
for what you lose ..
wýll be gone…



CC:  <Tr0uble-shoot1ng@chrismith.eu>
ChriS>what can you lose ?its a small chance-thats all – maybe u could find
reasons to DO something instead of reasons NOT …MAYBE someone who answers
the phone does nt ask and says SOMEthýng – ýts my little girl FFS!!!!!!- ýf
its too much forget it!!!
(i just suspect that ireland is a set up to confuse !)
who the F*** cares about this?

Original Message:
—————–
From: nicole appel nico.appel@yahoo.de
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:54:21 +0100 (CET)
To: cs@chrismith.eu
Subject: RE: interim report


then he would ask her by himself, no?
 


nico.appel@yahoo.de>, <cs@chrismith.eu>
Subject:  fist 71030 RE: fist 71028-29 RE: new week new email
Date:  Tue, 30 Oct 2007 03:57:08 -0400
CC:  <team4L1verpooL@hotmail.co.uk>
ChriS>>see below…

Original Message:
Subject: RE: fist 71028-29 RE: new week new email

— "cs@chrismith.eu" <cs@chrismith.eu> schrieb:

> ChriS>
> you see a dýfference between me & my dream?
> oh no its lýke strawberries & cream
> they go together
> its not changeable like the weather!
i see no difference between you and your dreams.
i asked you, if friendship is possible!

C>>everything is possible -but what is the intent?…desire or wish?…
– you find reasons not to phone margit
– you dont show interest in "chrismith-nicalausi" co-op
– despite my capabilities & experience you prefer other advisors?

it s not the "friendship" that i want & its not the relation that will
fulfýll you..
i dont want to ACCEPT the restrictions holding you back to reduce this
wonderful chance into a "cyber-pal" contact..and IF you really wanted to
meet – you COULD change things – for example we could have met for 2 days
and still got you back to st paulý on the weekend of 16/17 November…and



>
> you promised to meet me –
> and then send excuses

no excuses, i really can’t organize that at the moment
and you dont understand, be patient and we will meet.
it told you already i didnt know that i will meet you
before i met my plans.
and every weekend which fits, you where somewhere
else.
i told you i hate christmas and you told me i should
come to the b.forest. but i cant go there, because of
my history.

C>>you dont explain your "hýstory"…you dont offer alternatives either

> tell me about 20 years ago
> for what are those uses?
sorry, but i don’t understand what you mean. your last
20 years or mine? my english seems to be too bad.

C>>as i said you dont tell me what happened 20 years ago to you – just
expect me to accept…what?

>
> should compare you with those other germans
> so dont compare me with the past.
i havent, what do you mean?

> you say i push
> i tell you just to be honest

I AM HONEST.

C>>i mean that i tell you honestly – and because of your situation you say
i push – you compare me with others – but i am not…


>
> i have written so much
> and if that doesnt say
> what you need
you only know a small part of me, so how will you know
what i really need?

C>> i can show you – but you want (germanic) "concrete" and dont take any
risk (although i know from cullumpton & Hamburg meetings that you do want
to – ýnside!

> then it has to be good-day!
if good-bye means good being, then
good-day means good dieing?
>
> in cullumpton you know
> in Hamburg too
> you are just scared of what comes next
> shall i come there again to follow this through?
i thought i had understood how much you love me, but
always telling me I’m scared makes me doubt. i’m just
trying to stabilize me again, and then i will take the
next step. i’m not on a run, because i was my whole
life.

C>>ok then -i will back off & stop contact…

and what do you mean if you say: "shall i come there
again to follow this through?"

C>> if mohammed cant come to the mountain the mountain can come to mohammed?

> if you tell me that he means more then i dont
> believe ýt
this are two different things, i’m not choosing and
comparing.

C>>i mean you would not have reacted to me – ýf he fulfills everything…

> because if so then all between us was just sh*t..
how you can say that?

C>>see above !!! you are hiding yourself !

> dont feel sorry for me
> i would rather die
> and if you cant fýnd týme for us..
i will find time, but not now….

C>>now is when i needed – tomrrow i mýght be gone!

> for a while i will cry ..
> …but i will survive ..alone!
> because you wonr be able to atone –
> for what you lose ..
> wýll be gone…

i just take my time, not less, and not more. and
believe in my destiny.
why are you trying to make me fear?
is that the respect you are always talking about?

i dont think so.

wish you a nice evening.
i will run through the rain

take care

nica

C>> and i will not run – i will let the rain soak into my soul…if you cant meet me – which is vital to me and to "US" to explain to each other ..to take this further then i dont want superficial contacts – so contact
me when you have týme – not before! – it just hurts otherwise
take care
ChriS XXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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