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Part m3….April 15th 1989..

NOTE..this is the THIRD part ..please read the other parts first IF you want to understand the TRUTH..

Me
and my mum and dad went to Anfield to pay our tributes like the
            many thousands who had placed flowers and footy memorabilia.
When we
            got there, the hushed queue to get in was a mile long – and I
mean
            at least a mile long – so I placed a scarf and old Reds
shirt on a
            wall at a house on Anfield Road like many others had already
done.
            My mum broke down crying and so a steward came up to us.
             
            ‘Did you lose anybody, love?’
             
            My mum put her arm around me. ‘We nearly lost him.’
             
            The steward asked us to follow him and let us through a gate
at the
            ground and then onto the pitch where I showed my mum and dad
around
            the place, stepping around the carpet of flowers which made
the air
            smell sweet. I showed them my spec and my dad pointed to
where he’d
            had a season ticket.
             
            Dave’s and Sef’s funerals were hard work. The Friday and
Monday
            respectively, if memory serves me right. Alan Hansen and
Ronnie
            Whelan came to Dave’s and Everton’s Ian Snodin came too.
Terry
            McDermott and Phil Thompson were at Sef’s and Tottenham
Hotspur’s
            Gary Mabbutt came too; he was Sef’s favourite player.
             
            The news had only one main story for days. It was ages
before
            anything else was the headline story. All flags everywhere
were at
            half-mast. I went back to work and held everything together
but then
            it all hit me. I felt like I’d been smashed into a thousand
pieces.
            My head was battered; I couldn’t concentrate. I had loads of
time
            off work and wasn’t much use when I was in. Two lads from
our place
            (who I never knew) had been killed. I was in such a rage and
punched
            a few walls. My mum took some shouting at from me when I was

            wound-up – which was pretty much all the time. Sometimes
when
            playing footy, the shouts of the players reminded me of the
shouting
            from the Pen and I’d walk off.
             
            I took counselling, partly for the sake of it, but in
hindsight I
            definitely did the right thing. I was really struggling to
cope.
            Going to the Hillsborough Centre – set up in Anfield Road
for all
            those who had been affected – at least made me realise that
my
            trauma was understandable (or to be expected) and was not a
sign of
            weakness. Linda, who worked there, formed a great
relationship with
            me, coming to see me at home too. It was my fault when we
lost
            touch.
             
            After the lies in the media, I decided like many others to
make a
            legal complaint against the police. Money had nothing to do
with it.
            I wasn’t going to let them get away with a whitewash. I knew
the
            truth and wanted to make sure it came out – nothing had more

            importance. I’ve never wanted anybody in jail for all this;
it
            wouldn’t bring anybody back. I just want the world to know
what
            happened, why it did and the blame officially placed
squarely where
            it should be – and I don’t think anybody should have been
allowed to
            retire to avoid facing the consequences of what they have
been
            responsible for. I also want those who lied to be shown up
for what
            they are. I don’t think I’ll ever have the strength to
forgive them.

             
            Like John Aldridge, I didn’t want us to play on but we were
outvoted
            and got on with it. I went to the remaining home league
matches but
            stood away from my usual spec where it would be less
congested, the
            Goodison derby and the replayed Semi and the Final. I cried
at the
            replayed Semi when we sang, ‘We’re on the march with Kenny’s
army’.
             
            In the first match back at Anfield (against Forest, of all
teams) I
            left when we were awarded a late penalty – I couldn’t cheer
with
            everybody else. A woman outside the ground comforted me as I
cried
            walking to Kirkdale Station and I heard the crowd roar from
the
            obvious late winner we’d got.
             
            I went the following season for a few matches on autopilot
but cried
            at ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ and quit. I sold a
three-quarters
            season ticket for buttons to a lad in work – twenty quid, I
think. I
            never thought I’d go back. It was overwhelming to support
the Reds
            by now.
             
            It was too intense. I know exactly why Kenny Dalglish quit;
probably
            our greatest ever player and a very successful manager. That
would
            be enough reason for the esteem in which he’s held but it is
the way
            he led us after the disaster that I love him. He’s the only
player
            I’d go across the street for to shake hands with.
             
            Old Bob from by ours had a boss spec as a shareholder, in
the row
            behind the directors’ box where you could even rest your
arms. He
            was a true gentleman and gave me tickets for two of the last
matches
            of the 1989/90 season as the tickets were spare and that got
me back
            into it. I wonder if they were really spare or if he had
spoken to
            my mum and dad in the Tawd Vale about helping me around?
Thanks Bob,
            RIP. I renewed my season ticket for 1990/1 after my dad had
spoken
            to somebody at the ticket office and I was back. I’m a
fanatic again
            although it could never be the same.
             
            For the inquiry I made a statement to West Midlands police
who were
            investigating. They got back to me, naming the policeman who
had
            been abusive to me and asked did I want to make a formal
complaint
            against him. I declined. I only talked about him because
they had
            asked me to tell them everything. They brought videos in and
met me
            in work. This policeman hadn’t turned up that day to
deliberately
            hurt me or anybody else. He was wrong but had been presented
with a
            terrible situation and a lot of horror himself. WM police
told me
            they’d had stories of him from fans commending him for
saving their
            lives (obviously after me then) and so credit must be placed
with
            him where it is due.
             
            In 1991 I went to RAF Wroughton, Swindon to meet Sqd Ldr Dr
Gordon
            Turnbull, a nice man who assessed me psychologically. He
spoke to
            many survivors and said that we’d all sounded similar to the
Gulf
            War veterans he’d debriefed; when he first interviewed me in

            Liverpool in 1990 he had diagnosed me as having Post
Traumatic
            Stress Disorder to a moderately severe extent.
             
            For a long time, if I went out on the ale I’d return home
crying.
            I’ve never had flashbacks of specific events haunting me; it
was the
            taste of the sorrow and the horror and the impact on all of
us that
            bothered me and the injustice of the subsequent legal
processes.
            I’ve always had that special relationship that mums and sons
have
            and I know that the son she had, who left that morning for
the
            match, never came home. I feel that worst for her. It
bothered her
            that she hadn’t been there to say goodbye to me that fateful

            morning.
             
            You expect the truth. You’re brought up to think British is
best and
            when you find out it isn’t, it hurts and you feel betrayed.
You
            don’t expect those in power to be anything other than fair
or have
            an agenda – because that’s their job – but they do. I’m sure
that
            around the country most people would correctly say, when
asked, that
            failure of police control was the overwhelming cause of the
            disaster. However there are some out there who don’t know
the truth
            and the ticketless and drunken fans lies that were fed by
the Scum
            suits them perfectly.
             
            How could they do this to us?
             
            Why?
             
            I can’t go back as far as the blitz in Word War II but this
is
            certainly our generation’s darkest hour. This is why an
unreserved
            apology – and not the half-lecture we recently got about
moving on –
            is so important. They should put out banner headlines, make
it the
            first item on the national 6 o’clock news and say it was
lies,
            telling everybody who ever believed any of this crap should
wise up
            – period. They should make it plain that it was lies. That’s
lies –
            not a mistake – but lies! Only then would we even have
anything to
            talk about you Godless b******s.
             
            This is a story to outsiders, like any story we hear from
around the
            world, but it will never be just a story to us. As much as
we all
            wish it had never happened, it is part of us, we live with
it.
             
            God knows, if I could ever change just one thing, stopping
it from
            ever having happened, then this would be it. If the Echo
goes on for
            another 125 years, they will still talk about Hillsborough
being a
            defining moment in our history.
             
            I’m an optimist by nature but I can honestly say that from
that day,
            the sun had never truly shone again in my life. I cannot say
this
            now as a father but I’d have swapped myself that day in
exchange for
            everything that happened. I’ve smiled and laughed with the
best of
            them in the days since but it took a long time. I can now
look back
            at the events and have them in their rightful place; really
            important and never to be forgotten. I have and never will
miss the
            annual memorial service.
             
            It’s important to deal with whatever happens to you because
            otherwise the bitterness eats away and you lose even more.
             
            There were long periods in the early years where the world
has
            seemed too much of a let-down to be bothered with and there
was no
            light at the end of this long, dark tunnel but the love of
so many
            good people around me has helped. I’m a lucky man who has
had the
            pleasure to know so many nice people.
             
            I have never walked alone. I have never felt guilty about
surviving.
            It was a comfort to know that there were so many people who
knew
            exactly how I felt. I must have been given plenty of slack
as people
            would know why I was off-track. Our people rallied around
each other
            so well.
             
            I’ve visited many places following the team and met many
people who
            you could warm your hands on (my favourite other place to be
is in
            Glasgow). ‘Ain’t life great lads – all you need is the green
grass
            and a ball,’ is my favourite Shanks’ quote. I have never
been in a
            goal celebration better than after Michael Owen’s winner
against
            Arsenal in the 2001 FA Cup Final – my 2nd favourite goal
after
            Rushy’s.
             
            It is well documented about LFC protesting at us getting
less
            tickets than Forest for a match even though our average gate
was
            approaching twice the size of theirs. Much too is known
about the
            lies in the media. We, as fans, were victims of failure of
the
            authorities to do their jobs properly – that was the first
disaster.
            The second was the cover-up; Trevor Hicks of the
Hillsborough Family
            Support Group was spot-on about that. It is important to
learn from
            history. When that history is distorted, it’s wrong and I
don’t mean
            just for the hurt it causes. If our fans had been at fault
then I’d
            say so and want us never to make the same mistakes again for

            everybody’s sake.
             
            I’ve never written anything like this before. There have
been better
            writers than me to put their account forward and people who
lost
            more than I did. However, Peter Carney of the Hillsborough
Justice
            Campaign helped me to see that every little bit of the truth
is
            important and so here is my eyewitness account without
agenda –
            well, except for the truth. If one day this helps just one
person
            understand what happened better then it’s been worthwhile.
             
            My son James doesn’t know it yet but he has been the final
push for
            me to write this. I’ve been taking him to the home matches
for the
            past couple of years now and he loves it – the 5th
generation of our
            family to support our team from the Kop. One day he’ll ask
questions
            about all this and it will be so important that he knows the
truth
            (I hope without ever knowing such horror).
             
            I understand now what Geoff said all that time ago about it
being
            easier for him than me. Even though he lost Dave in the most

            horrific of ways and had had to identify him, he had his
kids to
            take him forward.
             
            James has made the sun shine again in a way that I just
can’t
            describe. I’m as rich as any man ever could be. Becky is a
most
            beautiful princess.
             
            RIP the 96 and those I heard about who have taken their own
lives
            over all this. Justice for all of those who have been
affected by
            Hillsborough – too many to name.
             
            You’ll Never Walk Alone

Remember the 96.

John Alfred
Anderson (62)
Colin Mark Ashcroft (19)
James Gary Aspinall (18)
Kester
Roger Marcus Ball (16)
Gerard Bernard Patrick Baron (67)
Simon
Bell (17)
Barry Sidney Bennett (26)
David John Benson (22)
David
William Birtle (22)
Tony Bland (22)
Paul David Brady (21)
Andrew
Mark Brookes (26)
Carl Brown (18)
David Steven Brown (25)
Henry
Thomas Burke (47)
Peter Andrew Burkett (24)
Paul William Carlile
(19)
Raymond Thomas Chapman (50)
Gary Christopher Church (19)
Joseph
Clark (29)
Paul Clark (18)
Gary Collins (22)
Stephen Paul
Copoc (20)
Tracey Elizabeth Cox (23)
James Philip Delaney (19)
Christopher
Barry Devonside (18)
Christopher Edwards (29)
Vincent Michael
Fitzsimmons (34)
Thomas Steven Fox (21)
Jon-Paul Gilhooley (10)
Barry
Glover (27)
Ian Thomas Glover (20)
Derrick George Godwin (24)
Roy
Harry Hamilton (34)
Philip Hammond (14)
Eric Hankin (33)
Gary
Harrison (27)
Stephen Francis Harrison (31)
Peter Andrew Harrison
(15)
David Hawley (39)
James Robert Hennessy (29)
Paul Anthony
Hewitson (26)
Carl Darren Hewitt (17)
Nicholas Michael Hewitt (16)
Sarah
Louise Hicks (19)
Victoria Jane Hicks (15)
Gordon Rodney Horn
(20)
Arthur Horrocks (41)
Thomas Howard (39)
Thomas Anthony
Howard (14)
Eric George Hughes (42)
Alan Johnston (29)
Christine
Anne Jones (27)
Gary Philip Jones (18)
Richard Jones (25)
Nicholas
Peter Joynes (27)
Anthony Peter Kelly (29)
Michael David Kelly
(38)
Carl David Lewis (18)
David William Mather (19)
Brian
Christopher Mathews (38)
Francis Joseph McAllister (27)
John
McBrien (18)
Marion Hazel McCabe (21)
Joseph Daniel McCarthy (21)
Peter
McDonnell (21)
Alan McGlone (28)
Keith McGrath (17)
Paul Brian
Murray (14)
Lee Nicol (14)
Stephen Francis O’Neill (17)
Jonathon
Owens (18)
William Roy Pemberton (23)
Carl William Rimmer (21)
David
George Rimmer (38)
Graham John Roberts (24)
Steven Joseph
Robinson (17)
Henry Charles Rogers (17)
Colin Andrew Hugh William
Sefton (23)
Inger Shah (38)
Paula Ann Smith (26)
Adam Edward
Spearritt (14)
Philip John Steele (15)
David Leonard Thomas (23)
Patrik
John Thompson (35)
Peter Reuben Thompson (30)
Stuart Paul William
Thompson (17)
Peter Francis Tootle (21)
Christopher James Traynor
(26)
Martin Kevin Traynor (16)
Kevin Tyrrell (15)
Colin Wafer
(19)
Ian David Whelan (19)
Martin Kenneth Wild (29)
Kevin
Daniel Williams (15)
Graham John Wright (17)

“Our lives begin
to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

This
still matters. Speak out.

RIP.

You’ll Never Walk Alone.

Rafa Benitez today paid tribute to the people of
Liverpool for the way they remember the 96 victims of Hillsborough.

The Spaniard will attend his sixth Memorial Service this afternoon on
what is the 21st anniversary of the tragedy.

And he said: "Since I’ve been here it’s always been very, very
emotional.

"All the players and all the staff are always there trying to support
the families because it is a very important day for the club.

"The first time I went to the Memorial Service I was so impressed by
what happens at this club. You can see the people and all the feelings.

"It’s a poignant occasion to keep everyone remembering."

http://www.liverpoolfc.tv/news/latest-news/a-pictorial-tribute

CS>additional notes from me…

theres not much to add, I was NOT there..it changed me, I couldnt and didnt watch Footy for some time. I lost my appetite..anyone who knows me (?) may find that impossible to believe..

April 15th is a very special day / time for me in many ways,..

FB…21 years ago we lost 96 brothers and sisters…
       in 1995 I also "died" …in a coma,
today is a very special tragic day, and yet the fight for Justice goes on..

(relationshiip with JD also "died" on the 15th april 2009)

please stop today and remember…and fight for Justice, for the 96, for yourself, and for ALL!

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